Friday, May 16, 2008

The "DON'T SEE THIS FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT!" Series

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Some of you may admonish your humble blog-ater for even bothering to see any Sean Penn film, yet alone his latest, Into The Wild (2007). Your humble blog-ater will retort by stating that he was drawn into seeing said Sean Penn film for the sole purpose of seeing Zach Galifiankis in a supporting role while keeping an open mind about the rest. After all, your humble blog-ater kind of enjoyed Penn's first effort Indian Runner(1991) and had hoped he could repeat some of the graces that made this film watchable.
Y.H.B.'s growing adoration for Zach has its snares he supposes. But love really IS blind. In this case blind to the fact that Y.H.B. walked out of Penn's Crossing Guard(1995) MORE THAN TEN YEARS AGO, after seeing the film's improbable denouement, which entailed one adversary pursuing another with deadly force until they both arrived at a grave site, (the deceased being the cause of hostility), held hands, and watched a sunset. The TRITE-O-METER had reached new heights, causing Y.H.B. to swear off Sean Penn for eternity and to only remember Jeff Spicoli.

Of course 13 years, along with ulterior motives involving Zach G., will soften any bitter memory or stone heart.

First off Y.H.B. was affronted by the croon of Eddie Vedder throughout the film. The narrator's "about to cry" tone pushed Y.H.B's annoyance into bitterness. Bitterness than became indignation as insufferable lines like "When he was four he was caught going through a neighbor's cupboards for candy. I wonder what kind of candy he's got himself into now?" (cut to shot of him jumping into glistening river) arrived in droves. Then after an hour or more of blathering bromide, the stupid guy* finally dies because he eats the wrong potato root in the middle of nowhere, Alaska. Yay.

*Y.H.B. later read that some Alaskan Park Ranger said that the real guy died only a few miles from the nearest wilderness station, and that he could have been alive if he knew how to read a fucking compass.

P.S. Zach G. was the ONLY good thing about this film. He played a North Dakotan hick with a strange accent who dipped.

2 comments:

jennifersullivan said...

I had a dream last night that you and me were in a zany comedy movie co-starring alongside Zach G. In the movie, we played ourselves and Zach played a dapper butler type fellow who had a robot sidekick that he would exchange witty reparte with. The scene I remember took place in a burger joint that was both retro and futuristic at the same time.

erica said...

F the movie (I didn't bother to watch it) but the book it's based on is really good. The kid was not as misinformed as your sources indicate, but at any rate his naivety was actually pretty bittersweet in the book.